Dear Kristen,
Some time ago, you crawled into bed with us in the wee hours of the morning. You wrapped your little arms around me, laid your golden head upon my chest, and said, "Mom, did you ever notice that when someone is mad at you, it feels like they don’t love you anymore?" I smoothed back the hair from your eyes. With a lump in my throat, I remembered that when my mom was mad at me when I was your age, she became cold (as I do) and distant (that’s me). How scared and all alone that used to make me feel. I was terrified of losing her love. How would I live without it? Who would take care of me if she decided some day that she no longer wanted me? Sometimes, my darling girl, you get glimpses of the pain of my own childhood. They are mirrored through me. I’m so sorry that I unknowingly (and unwisely) inflict them upon you.
I hold you tightly and do my best to reassure you that I’ll always and forever love you -even when I’m mad at you. I tell you that I understand that it makes you afraid sometimes when my voice is stern, and I turn away from you. I share with you that I used to worry that my mom didn’t love me anymore, too. I ask you to tell me when you need reassurance from me. You lean over me, look deeply into my eyes, and say, "will you right now mom?" And so I do….
Love, Mom
ŠTammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D.
BirthQuake: The Journey to Wholeness
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