TURN, TURN, TURN

By Sara Barnes, LISW-CP

“To everything there is a season,” proclaims the bible passage and folk song, wisdom for living through life’s changes, challenges and losses. 

Autumn is a season of loss, and at the same time there is so much joy to experience in the fall.  Our senses embrace the golden leaves, rich aromas of decay, cool mornings, tart apples and rustle of dry leaves under our boots.  Then, there are the associations we have with fall:  the beginning of a new school year, the enthusiasm and curiosity that brings,   new projects,  aromatic soups and breads, holidays, growing darkness and lighting candles. 

Like the beauty of this season of death, the losses and changes of our lives can be bittersweet, a time for reflection and personal growth.     In her book, Birthquake:  a Journey to Wholeness,  Dr. Tammie Fowles describes some predictable phases we experience during major life changes.  These phases are not linear in the sense of happening on a particular schedule; we may find ourselves re-visiting issues in no particular order or time frame.

There is the life-changing event itself, a personal or collective “quake,” which rocks the very foundation of our lives.  Some examples of personal quakes are death, divorce, mid-life issues, major illness and job loss.  The events of 9/11 could be considered a collective quake; it was a life-changing event experienced collectively.  Both types of quakes may leave us feeling “shell-shocked,” “out-of-kilter,” or “stressed.”  The time of a quake is one for stress management, for taking care of basic needs like venting emotions, problem-solving, nutrition, exercise, social support, spiritual resources, relaxation and recreation.  It’s a time of survival. 

We may enter a phase of “exploration and integration,”  when we begin to examine our lives.  A quake has the ability to make us see things differently, to question and grow.  We may ask ourselves the questions:  “What do I truly value, and how does my life reflect that which I value?” and “Where do I grow from here?”  A personal journal may be a resource during this time of reflection.  We may begin to have a vision of how we want our lives to unfold.  This can be a time for setting goals.

Gradually, there will be “movement” toward directions we choose.  This change may come suddenly or over a period of many years.  We are all so unique in the way we grow and change.  The important thing is to recognize our strengths and use them intentionally.  One of us may make small changes like taking up a new hobby or practicing new ways of thinking or communicating (although these small changes could have far-reaching consequences!)  Another person may dramatically change their lifestyle; examples are moving to a completely new environment or changing vocations.

Finally, we achieve the greatest “transformation” when we allow “expansion” of our goals and activities to include and help others.  For example, a survivor of cancer may participate in fund-raising and lobbying efforts to help other cancer survivors.  A divorced person may find groups and causes in which to participate.  Sometimes it can be as simple as growing more empathic and giving in our relationships.  Collective quakes can bring out the best in us, leading us to very quickly reach out and help others in the midst of our own challenges.  Some describe this as a very spiritual process.  Ironically, research shows that altruism, the practice of doing good,  often leads to greater wellness of body, mind and spirit in the altruist.

So, these four phases can be cyclical, repeating many times in our lives.

As we face loss and change, it’s important to look at our strengths and solutions versus getting bogged down in our “problems.”  Here are some questions for the “Wise One Within:”

- What strengths or resources do I have to deal with this loss/change?

- What have I done in the past to grow through similar changes?

- Do I have a “life story?”

- Do I want to change my “life story” to better reflect what I value?

What unknown blessings might be on their way this fall?  What will evolve out of this season of darkness and mystery?

Bio/contact info.:

Sara Barnes, LISW-CP offers counseling and wellness services (individuals, couples, families, groups and workshops). She can be reached at Affiliated Family Services (252-5300).  She has extensive training and experience with solution-focused treatment and specializes in wellness issues such as smoking cessation, weight management, stress management, and finding meaning and purpose through life’s “birthquakes.”   You can learn more about Sara by visiting her website.  

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